Based on the Investigation Bureau’s search and detention of four New Party political workers over the past two days, along with the explanations and excuses provided by Green media, it is clear that all Taiwanese people need to be extremely careful!
Taiwan Next has compiled the following 10 behaviors for your reference. If your life or work matches 3 or more of these points, watch out—you might find a dozen men in black standing at your door at dawn to drag you out of bed, claiming you are a “witness” while subjecting you to a “criminal” investigation.
The Government’s Guide to Identifying Communist Spies and Enemy Collaborators
1. Have you ever visited Mainland China?
If you have visited Mainland China or, heaven forbid, taken a photo with an official from across the Strait, there is now a 10% chance that government agents in black will wake you up at the crack of dawn. They might take you, your father, and your mother away together. Even your lawyer will be blocked at the door, unable to stop this improper execution of public authority.
2. Do you possess a large amount of Renminbi (RMB)?
If there is more than 100 RMB (roughly 400 TWD) in your drawer, there is now a 20% chance the government will take you in for a “chat and tea.”
3. Do you have friends living in Mainland China?
Do you have friends in the Mainland who can help you contact the Communist Party? There is now a 30% chance the government will take you away for some “iced coffee.”
4. Have you ever bought items on Taobao?
Are you trying to receive “enemy supplies” from the Mainland? There is now a 40% chance the government will haul you off and interrogate you under blinding lights.
5. Is there a Simplified-to-Traditional Chinese converter installed on your computer?
Did you install this software specifically to read secret documents from Mainland intelligence agencies? There is now a 50% chance the government will force you to sit in air conditioning during winter and heaters during summer.
6. Do you know any Mainland students studying in Taiwan?
Have you ever helped a Mainland student scout our national intelligence—for instance, the fact that Tsai Ing-wen can only read from a script? Be careful; there is now a 60% chance the government will take you in for a “physical examination.”
7. Do you have a Mainland mobile phone number?
Is this for direct contact with your Mainland spy handler? You’re finished. There is now a 70% chance the government will drag you to a secret office where no one knows where the hell you are.
8. Can you read Simplified Chinese characters?
If you can read them, it implies you learned them for a specific, nefarious purpose. There is now an 80% chance the government will quietly spirit you away, suddenly flip your status from “witness” to “defendant,” and make you vanish into thin air.
[Image comparing Traditional Chinese characters with their Simplified Chinese counterparts]
9. Do you have documents with Simplified Chinese in your drawers?
Aha! Caught red-handed! These must be “collaboration ledgers”! Bye-bye—there is now a 90% chance you will face secret arrest, secret investigation, secret trial, and secret detention. And the worst part? It’s all technically “legal” now, as the DPP government has amended the law to allow themselves to handle you in total secrecy.
10. Do your ancestors come from Mainland China?
This goes without saying. As long as your ancestors aren’t Japanese, you aren’t one of “us”! You’d better watch out, or one day you might be snatched up to serve as a comfort woman or be sent to a gas chamber as a live human experiment animal.